My greatest challenge was to let go. Our children are on loan and for their own sake, it’s important to love from a distance in some ways, to be there when they need us and to guide when they are lost.
A Mothers Love is the Strongest Love of All..
When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutely shocked. I just got back with my then boyfriend and our first evening of being reunited briefly was when my son managed to sneak into the world and my life. I would never have any luck in my life if I didn’t have this baby and as I went to the doctors to get my pregnancy confirmed, I felt a big smile grow as I skipped down the stairs. His father unfortunately did not feel the same, but that didn’t change anything – I was going to have this baby! For the record, I married his father and had a long 11-year marriage of many happy and some challenging times, but his childhood was filled with joy and love. What a blessing, but what a change
I remember being in hospital after 21 hours of labor, waiting in the room for my son to be brought to me after an intense 21 hours of labor topped off by a Caesarian. My tried drowsy body and mind in limbo. He was brought in and I remember everything changed in that moment, his perfect Buddha like face, his purity and innocence pouring over me. I went into shock. This was the start of a change in me, something I never saw coming. I witnessed many mothers giving birth then trying to get back to their ‘old’ life and suffering because of it. Becoming a mother means to transform, let go and release parts of yourself forever, trying to resist can cause all sorts of problems! BUT what is amazing, is that mothers don’t tell you… Why is that? Because you have to experience it yourself, how do you share an experience, an experience that is different for everyone.
As a mother, there are certain times I cringe at when looking back at my parenting, but I didn’t know any better.
I was an alternative mother, no immunisation and he slept in our bed for the first 2 years. I personally felt that was the most natural place for him, sticking a child that has been in your stomach for 9 months , into a cold isolated room creates stress and anxiety for a child. In fact I want to share a few statistics for you… there are no cot deaths when you sleep with them, women do not get postnatal depression and also when babies are alone, they do not understand future or past yet, so when you are gone, they believe you are dead THUS when a parent appears dead, then the baby makes that means they can’t survive. I attribute that to babies astral travelling and leaving their bodies (cot death) out there I know, but intuitively I believe it. Also recent tests have shown that leaving babies to cry in their room can create early release of cortisol attributing to all sorts of physical problems in later life.
My greatest joy was having to be in the moment. This little person taught me to be present, to trust that it’s safe to stop and smell the roses and to laugh uncontrollably at the silliest of things. My greatest challenge was to let go. Our children are on loan and for their own sake, it’s important to love from a distance in some ways, to be there when they need us and to guide when they are lost. My son turns 23 this year and moved back home for the 3rd time. They may leave home, but they are always in our hearts forever. As a mother, there are certain times I cringe at when looking back at my parenting, but I didn’t know any better. So I practice forgiveness of my self and know that it’s about his journey and mine. I believe that we choose our parents on some spiritual level, his arrival in my life was no accident and his teaching about life was precious. I was a working mother and after my divorce it was even harder to balance things. I work in advertising and hours can be long and relentless, I had a nanny who looked after my son on film sets and in the office so I could be near him – when I could. I travelled weekly to Sydney when I lived in Canberra and even drove back the same day to pick him up from the Nanny’s and tucked him into bed. Yes we do what we can for our children BUT I’m guilty. Yes I gave birth to guilt, but what I did discover is that most mothers feel that too!
I feel like most mothers give birth to guilt, I felt guilty all the time!
I know the impulse to have another child when my marriage was failing was so strong, to give my son a brother or sister, to get it right this time, to feel less GUILTY! It’s a weird phenomena, but one I worked a lot on in personal development. I could write a book about my journey and in fact I will probably do so in the upcoming years, the trials, the experiences that taught me so much about parenting, relationships and ultimately myself. However, I do have one tip that has been very helpful for some clients and friends, so I will offer this up with the same intention. When a woman has a child, if it’s a boy, then at that point, women feel such a deep connection because they finally have the unconditional love of a male. We look at our partners without any filters and sometimes ask – what did I see in you? Most of time it’s more subtle, it’s more thinking ‘Why are you being so irritating? Why am I not attracted to you anymore? ‘Why am I angry at you all the time?’ We suddenly don’t feel the illusion of what brought us together PLUS the other side is that we now see our partners as ‘fathers’ and all our father stuff comes marching towards us at a time where our patience must be held to keep our child happy and safe! You will also find it with girls, but it’s then reversed… The father has suddenly the love of an unconditional female and now looks at their wife through different eyes. They also project their mother stuff onto them as well.. that is why I believe so many marriages fail in the first year. Things change, dynamics change. Don’t beat yourself up, just go with the flow, it doesn’t always happen, I’ve seen marriage flourish after babies, but if it happens to you, be aware of the situation and something will shift, just the awareness can shift things between you and your partner. Remember awareness if 50% of all healing.
I had this change happen with my 1st husband and when my 2nd husband wanted a child with me desperately I knew what would happen and I chose to just enjoy the life I had, we were also in our 40’s… My only failure I can see vividly is that perhaps I was not as disciplined as I should have been. I was very concerned over his suffering and never wanted him to suffer, so I protected him a lot. I don’t know for sure, but I do feel that perhaps going into the real world (school/work) was a big shock for him. How to help them be strong for the world but being loving, it takes a very evolved, loving individual that has their ‘shit’ together. I wasn’t that in my 20’s – probably now I would do it better (there’s that guilt), but let’s see how he goes; only time will tell.